Ocho Rios is the only port we visit that rates a special warning from the captain to all going ashore. The message: stick to major tourist areas and don't go off on your own.

Most crew I talk to have long ago stopped going ashore in Jamaica.

Jamaica's crime statistics are notorious, but I don't think that's what makes it the least liked port among the crew. It's the sheer unpleasantness of the place. Noisy, dirty, and full of people who won't let you alone. And you have to pay to visit the beaches which are protected by barbed wire fences. Sorry, Jamaica, but that's how it is.

As you leave the port area to turn onto Main Street (yes!) the harassment begins.
“What you lookin' for? Weed? Blow? Girls?” A street denizen grabs my arm, which I quickly retract as I keep walking. I ignore these creeps, but doing so sometimes results in accusations of being a racist. I ignore that too. Then there are the eyless and legless beggars, and children trying to look pitifuly poor, but really just learning the trade.

It's like running the gauntlet, trying to get from the ship to downtown Ocho Rios. And then when you get there, you wonder why you even wanted to go in the first place. It's dirty, ugly, and dangerous, and there's little to do except remain vigilant.

I bet you can hardly wait to go.

Ocho Rios is famous because Ian Fleming had a house there (you know, the author of the James Bond books) and one of the James Bond movies was shot there.

Of course the most famous resident was Bob Marley. There's a really ugly statue of him in the tourist mall near the dock. There's also a Bob Marley novelty shop selling, among other things, a molded figurine of the dead star with a really big, ah, member. Such reverence!

According to one book I looked in to learn a little about Ocho Rios there are some serious environmental issues there due to the mining and processing of bauxite by the Reynolds company (whose sluice down the side of a hill figured prominently in one of the more exciting scenes in the James Bond movie).

What more could you want in a vacation destination?

I have heard rumours that the company has thought about eliminating Ocho Rios from the itinerary because of complaints from the cones, but there's no alternative port to use in this part of the Caribbean. Royal Caribbean ships don't go to Cuba.

I wish I could say nicer things about Jamaica, because I know some great people who come from there (but they're not there now, are they?). It's also got a strong musical and literary culture. I know it just can't be as bad as it seems here in Ocho Rios.